I often refer to submission as an expression of love, particularly in the context of an FLR, but what does this really mean? I think many of us (submissive men) experience it as a “feeling” at first, and usually from a young age. And what a confusing feeling it is, one that’s instinctively imbued with curiosity and arousal and shame. It becomes easy to get lost in the exploration, to get lost in the feeling, to get distracted with creating (or recreating) the experience.

Yet these experiences vary so much between individuals, which makes it difficult to really explain what “true” submission is. But at least to me, I find it to be more of an expression, and it can be so much deeper, and so much richer, and so beautiful when it’s integrated within yourself and expressed sincerely. Because, in a way, submission functions on multiple wavelengths: erotically, emotionally, and relationally. It’s something that for whatever reason is woven into the fabric of our entire being. So the erotic expression without anything else creates an absence of something—a yearning for something deeper.

And that something deeper is connection. But when the feeling of submission and surrender become the focus, “depth” tends to be defined as more intensity or more novelty. The feeling or experience is often confused with or presented as a need, and understandably so. But really, a kink is not a need. A fantasy is not a need. Fulfillment of a feeling or desire isn’t a need—human emotional connection is the need. Meaningful depth just isn’t discovered in a fleeting feeling of “submission,” but in the way of connecting with someone through that special way.

When submission is understood and genuinely felt in this manner, it can become a profound expression of love. What previously felt like an impulse becomes more of a choice. So that feeling isn’t really something that must be resolved, but a way of being that is owned and accepted. And when this insight really sinks in and clicks and resonates, the energy of submission changes completely and that’s what makes it feel deeper. Because it’s no longer taking up space seeking to feed itself, it seeks to nurture a space to fill another. Which makes the relationship—the connection within an FLR—become the center rather than the feeling.

This way of loving doesn’t ask the question: “Does She make me feel submissive?” It doesn’t say: “I need Her to be more dominant.” Submission as love says with confidence: “I am submissive; this is how I love.” And it asks: “How can I show up for Her? How can I become more for Her? How can I support Her? How can I align with Her? How can I care for Her?” It stems from the part of the heart and soul that derives more fulfillment from knowing that She is loved well, and being the one who loves Her well, rather than taking what it can get.

And yet, this doesn’t mean that the submissive feelings, or the desire for them to be seen, touched, held, and played with by another, disappear. And this doesn’t mean that the the things that feel like needs will disappear either. No, not at all, they exist side by side. But instead, the practice becomes identifying and holding them, and offering them in a way that preserves the connection rather than extracts from it. In other words, submission, service, love does not depend on whether She provides an “experience” because they exist consistently as default.

Again, this isn’t to say that as a submissive my needs and desires are abandoned or erased, but only that they aren’t really my highest priority. Because, honestly, if a submissive’s desires are the driver of his submission, then he’s not really submitting… at least not with integrity. And making this step feels like a giant leap with a partner who is unfamiliar and/or inexperienced with this way of loving, which is why communication, and understanding (especially self-understanding), and patience are so, so important.

So when I say that submission is an expression of love, what I’m describing is the part of the heart that genuinely feels joy in Her joy, that prioritizes Her over ego, that naturally feels closeness through surrender. Therefore it goes without saying that this way of loving is inherently vulnerable. But that is how a submissive leads—with vulnerability. And that vulnerability is why it’s so crucial that we are certain that the one we offer our submissive heart to is someone who loves us deeply in return.